February 2017

To accept and understand your past enables you to accept and understand your future

From getting married at 21, to planning my first cherub who is now 12, to losing my father (who brought me up), to my son living abroad from three years old, to getting divorced, to jet setting all over the world as a way of escaping from it all, to unsettled family relationships, to falling out with close ones to…… now (and breathe). Settled with my first son who is now home and my second cherub who is to my new partner, to building new special relationships I would never have found otherwise and to becoming a better version of me – sounds exhausting right? Well it sure has been. I will extend on some of my journeys in future blogs.

Being 20 is a time where the majority enjoy life and get to know themselves – well that’s what society tells us – not me. I was married at 21. I say never have regrets but, in hindsight, it was too young and to be honest for this era, the end result was inevitable. On reflection there were too much pressure for a 20 year old – a business, a baby, a home, a husband and there was also ‘keeping up with the joneses’ (at this age material things were a priority). I worked a full time job, then home to continue with the new venture, but deep down I didn’t truly know what I wanted other than I knew I wanted to be happy – happy being the operative word. I feel that immaturity, naivety and lack of positive support and guidance led me to making some negative lifestyle choices – or was I just being Twenty?

In my Twenties I thought I knew it all. I was confident, extravagant, an extrovert and dare I say it; always right. When I reflect I just exhale and think ‘what a transformation’. I don’t even remember some of my Twenties’ – it was so fast paced. There was always a drama may it be a positive or negative one. There was never a sense of calmness. I know I had fun, loads of it, but many bumpy rides along the way.

The point of this blog is to say we all make mistakes; jump into things with our eyes closed. We sometimes please others not realising the impact it has on ourselves. We sometimes make a decision without thinking twice or allowing any input from others. I advise anyone so young to remember being twenty is still the beginning. Don’t think you know it all, don’t want it all too quick, don’t expect it all. Smile, love, venture, laugh. Take your time to enjoy and embrace each experience you take. Don’t assume or guess a reasoning, try and understand it – learn to develop your mind and learn to listen to those more experienced than you to learn from their mistakes. Life experiences are invaluable – you want to be able to remember them all.

During my self-reflection and development I was taught Self Care. This is an action I took for myself to enable me to develop, protect and maintain and improve my health and wellbeing. Self-Care is something I  advise everyone to practice. If you don’t feel settled in your life how can the people around you feel settled in your life?

I felt alone and one thing that got me through my unsettled years was my job; the place I currently work. I put all my upsets, all my pain into my job which led me to develop and build some really positive relationships. I call my place of work my family. Sounds silly but without my place of work I don’t think I would be as solid as I am today.  The tears in the bathroom, the calling in sick, to pushing myself to support the clients who I understood needed me.

If you don’t have positive support networks or you don’t feel you can rely or confide in the ones you do have it doesn’t mean you still have to face tribulations by yourself. Build a network; may it be via your place of work, the web, social media, reading, my blogs, support organisations. Never feel like you have to face anything alone – no one should have to. Pain is real – pain hurts. Never feel ashamed for asking for support – venting. Never feel ashamed for being you. We are all unique human beings who have been given different paths – we just have to learn how to take each step and sometimes even start again.

What stops people from access support or opening up?

• Culture
• Embarrassment
• Proving a point
• Living in denial

If you do find the confidence to reach out

• You can exhale/breathe
• Build positive relationships
• Receive positive guidance
• Increase in confidence/self esteem
• Clearer vision – enabling you to build on your future
• Bring positive energy to those around you

Consequences of not reaching out

• Building up a resilience to pain
• Not expressing how you truly feel
• You find it hard to trust
• Take unnecessary blame
• Unable to build relationships
• Isolation
• Mental Health at different levels
• Has a negative impact on the ones you love

Who am I…?

An introduction

Well this is my first blog that I am putting out there. This blog is more of an introduction to me – a feel for who I am and why I feel the need to blog. I want to share my stories, experiences and also discuss lifestyle topics where we can all relate and get involved. Four years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine – he said to me “you should blog this” – I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t in a positive place. So why now? I feel that I have now got the confidence to speak my mind and believe in myself. I am not worried about the opinions one may have as it doesn’t matter. Nobody has lived in my heels! Three specific moments have contributed in changing my views on life. I have a twelve year old son who lived abroad for 7 years – he is now home – this transition has been major, something I will blog about at a later date but, to sum it up, he has certainly given me life again. I feel like I can breathe without the anxiety I carried for so many years. I also gave birth to my second son 6 months ago – the first time I gave birth naturally – that in itself made me feel a sense of strength that no one can take away – again something I will blog about at a later date. Lastly but not least my partner (who is the father to my second son) has definitely contributed to the increase in my confidence. He has taught me to put my feelings first as if I don’t love me who will? Believe in myself and not to worry about anything or anyone – I am my own strength. I have felt lost for a number of years for different reasons and the only way I know how to move forward is to write. He has taught me that you don’t have to be the best or a professional to write your stories but to be REAL and sincere when sharing your journey. “All you need Emma is Paper, a Pen and Ink……Black Ink!

Would you believe it has taking me years to do this but here I am – just me.

“No one knows what you can do but you” 

I have been living my life through other people’s eyes for so long.  Carrying out their journeys, wants, needs, passions in the hope that they were mine too. Always wanting acceptance to fit in. Sounds crazy? – Let me explain… It’s called searching for acceptance, not knowing who you are, not having the confidence to find you, not knowing where you belong. The difficult part is when you’re making life decisions; you really believe they’re the ones YOU make; unfortunately they are NOT.

What is your Therapy?

Since I was 14 years old I have written my journey, my thoughts, my feelings, my insecurities, my unsettlements, my teachings, my story. As soon as I started to write everything felt different. It’s only now I understand it all. The experiences and knowledge I have absorbed has led me to here. I now know it’s ok to be just you; I now have the confidence to speak from MY soul and I’m always ready and open for challenges that I wish to endeavour….I will not walk away and hide because I believe in ME. Only you know what you are capable of, only you know what your needs are; so how can you let anyone tell you different. Life is a journey for us all and some figure it out earlier than others and some don’t at all. The one thing I will say to people – Winning is if you like what you feel – if something doesn’t feel right there is a reason – STOP and think Twice!

Nature Vs Nurture

Are we a product of genetics or is it all about our life experiences or are we a combination of the two?

I always have conversations with myself debating whether my behaviour is influenced by genetic inheritance or influenced by exposure to life experiences and learning. I believe that I have been a product of my childhood. Being the eldest of four I automatically took on the role as ‘second mother’ – consequently I lost a bulk of my early years e.g., signing up to a sports club with friends which would have given me a sense of acceptance,  instead I was babysitting, taking my brothers every week when I went swimming. I naturally helped my mother a lot who became a single parent in my crucial growing years. I feel that this is where my low self-esteem stemmed from. I feel that I didn’t learn the confidence to be just be me – I don’t feel that I had the opportunity to learn how to fit in! On reflection this journey changed me from being a quiet introverted young girl to an extroverted young women always shouting to be heard. Now I would say I am a combination of the two – I feel that I have a happy balance of knowing when to listen and when to share my views – We have Two ears and One mouth for a reason….

Whatever the correct answer is, I do feel that it is your responsibility as an adult to continue your growth by picking out the good and learning from the not so good. However, again the question remains are there traits within me that will stay with me due to genetics? I have to say some I don’t mind but some I do and this plays continuously on my mind.

If misunderstood, its ok…… the ones who love you will want to understand you! 

I don’t want to sound narcissistic, although my blogs will mostly be about my lifestyles and experiences. The purpose is for anyone out there who feels alone, feels lost, feels like every day is mundane and pointless, feels stuck in a situation, afraid or worried to speak out, not understood or not given the platform they need to be themselves. I want to show that it’s not always family or friends who become the ones of support. Your network, if you have one, may not be the one you choose for guidance. Sometimes you have to respect the ones you love but realise that they are unable to fulfil certain needs. Create and build your own network who can fulfil and gratify you. This is not a selfish act this is not an act of unappreciation, it is a selfless act for YOU – it is an act of confidence.

In my day to day job I have come across hundreds of vulnerable people where the majority have no support systems therefore turn to organisations may it be by accident or on purpose and I’ve been told so many times how they feel like the staff are like their family. They have felt listened to and supported; contributing to them making better lifestyle choices and becoming who they really wanted to be. This is a prime example of ‘where you began doesn’t mean it’s where you end’. Everyone deserves to be the best that they can be and it’s never too late. From all your ups and downs, smiles and frowns remember – we must learn from it all.  We can’t allow people to mould us but only the decisions we make.

Find You, know your worth – it’s never too late to be and live a better you!

Please feel free to let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment or send me a message via email/social media

Thanks